Who Knew

I decided to be happy. That was about 10:30 this morning. We’ll see how long it lasts.

One time, after a teacher in-service about being positive, I tried to go an entire day without being critical or negative. I didn’t succeed. Neither did I on the next 30 days, or any single day of the entire school year. However, the concept stuck with me and maybe I moved a little bit in the right direction.

It’s 1:30 and I’m still happy.

I had a job interview yesterday at an arts school in Hamilton. The kids were great, and the facility is very nice. I don’t think I got it. The phone has been silent.

I’ve been trying to reclaim my unwavering faith in God, the kind I felt in my 30’s. In my youth I thought as I grew older it would be easier to believe. As it turns out, for me at least, the opposite is true. I thought the compilation of experiences with God would accumulate, like a hunks of coal in the furnace, each one a chunk of proof, and those experiences would radiate faith throughout my inner being. I thought by now the flame of faith would be so hot I could cruise into old age without doubt, fear, or uncertainty.

My actual experience is sort of like the story of manna. You know, God gave the people bread for the day, no more. Each day, when I wake up, there is a fresh decision to be made – walk with God or without. And while all the reasons I have to believe, gathered over years (now decades) of walking with God have piled up, so have the doubts, contrary evidence, and self will. In short, as I get older I carry more reasons to believe and more reasons not to. The choice remains the same, but the load is heavier.

It is becoming clear that seeking the kind of faith I had in my 30’s is like trying to teach like I did in my 30’s - impossible because I have changed. Life has changed. Faith (at least for me) gets harder instead of easier. Who knew?

OK, so there it is. In this blog I am nothing if not transparent. I, the Tim, have wimpy, moment-by-moment faith. But, in self defense, I will point out that I am in good company. Check out the Elijah of I Kings 18 and the Elijah of I Kings 19, or perhaps the Peter who watched Jesus heal the sick, raise the dead, calm the seas, and the Peter in Caiphas’ garden (or even Peter walking on the water and then drowning in it), or Thomas.

Understanding the situation will help me deal with it.

By the way, I’m still happy – (2:30PM.)